Kafeteria Kombat 3
by Spider-2099
Summary: The latest installment to Kafeteria Kombat. The biggest food free-for-all of all time. But will Lunch Time survive the wrath of angry Elder Gods?


**A/N: This one takes place after Mortification of Quan Chi 2.**

* * *

Raiden hid the latest issue of _Cosmopolitan_ that he'd been reading deep within his robe. He could only imagine the horrible ridicule he'd suffer if anyone learned of it. The mighty Thunder God—addicted to the petty dealings of insignificant Earthrealm women.

"It is time." Raiden thought with an eager smile. He reached into his robe and withdrew The Kombatant Lunch Time Whistle.

Raiden took in a deep breath and blew. With supernatural speed, the earth-shaking boom began to permeate through the Kafe, and the realms of Earth, Edenia and Outworld.

"DAEGON!" the livid voice of the Edenian demigod Taven echoed throughout the corridors of the Edenian royal palace. "You damn pig! I told you not to eat my goddamn Flaming Cheetos!"

Daegon, who was sitting on a bench out in the garden, spun around, his face covered in red powder-like substance. "Father just got you a new bag, Taven!"

Taven entered the garden, frantically whipping the same substance off his face. "The hell you talkin 'bout, Willis?"

"When we went to the Shell station yesterday, Taven!" An annoyed Daegon roared. "You cried until father agreed to buy you the bag! And then later that evening you turned me down when I offered you mine!"

Taven stared at his brother for a minute before a nasty grin appeared on his face. "Maybe that's because I was busy feasting on something else—" The unmistakable whistling boom blasted pass them, nearly toppling every tree in the garden.

Taven and Daegon were unfazed however. They both grinned.

The Kombatants throughout the realms all instantly stopped what they were doing—all talk ceased. They then grinned broadly and dashed to the nearest portal to the illustrious Outworld Kafe.

In the Kafe, the one and only Thunder God grinned. "LUNCH TIME!"

Shao Kahn, the legendary millennia year-old conqueror of realms, skipped in, singing. "Why you have to go make things so complicaaaated!" Behind him was his lead entourage: Shang Tsung, Baraka, Reptile, Mileena, and the amalgam of souls, Ermac.

Reptile lumbered in and went on with his routine. "It's about time, dammit, I'm st—" he was cut off by the fist of a certain shadowy wraith clocking him across the jaw, face planting him into the wall.

"That was for last time, lizard man." Noob said. "Because of your little stunt, I broke my collar bone, and my hospital bill nearly put me out of house and home…"

Reptile pulled his head free from the gaping hole in the wall he created. "You live in the Netherrealm! You don't have a 'house!'" Noob glared fiercely at the Saurian warrior. "Uh…how about this?" Reptile said. "I'll pay your cable _and_ phone bill for next month, and we can call it even!" Reptile threw Noob a thumbs-up. A shuriken star whistled through the air and embedded itself right between Reptile's eyes.

Kitana, Jade, Jax and Johnny entered. While the two female ninjas and the Special Forces Major all looked thrilled to be back, the Hollywood mega-star was sporting a frown and stroking the middle of his neck. Jax looked over just in time to see Jade wink smugly at Johnny, which made him shudder. "Hey, uh…what's up with you?" Jax asked.

"Tch." Johnny sneered. "At the Armageddon battle, man. Jade killed me."

"Yeah, she is pretty funny." Jax chuckled.

Behind his shades, Johnny rolled his eyes. "I wasn't speaking figuratively, dumbass." He lowered his hand to show Jax the scar produced by the Edenian woman's deadly Razor Rang.

"Damn," Jax eyes widened.

"I'm glad I didn't really feel it all that much." Johnny murmured.

Everyone went through the line. Today was the largest all-you-can-eat buffet ever, now with food originating throughout multiple realms.

"Whose idea was it to add fucking 'Ball of Rot Flies' to the menu!" Mileena snarled. Back in the line, Reptile coughed, the shuriken jutting from his forehead.

The evil side was getting annoyed with the emperor of Outworld. He took his sweet time going through the line, taking sustenance from each realm, including the Netherrealm. "Hmm, Quan Chi did tell me that Netherrealm Rot Worms are to die for!" Kahn went—or rather sang, up to the register with his packed tray. "We fight, we break up, we kiss, we make love—"

"SIT DOWN!" the god servant all but obliterated everyone's eardrums.

Even the Thunder God's. "Rupert!" Raiden bellowed.

"My apologies, Lord Raiden." The servant, Rupert, said. "You know I despise this imbecile." Kahn grimaced and ambled off to the evil cool-table.

"Dammit!" Johnny suddenly shouted.

"What?" Jax asked.

"I can't believe that, for the second time, we forgot to get—"

The door swung open. Taven stepped in, hands on his hips. The evil Kombatants all groaned in unison. Taven grinned. "Good afternoon, good afternoo—" Daegon took him down from behind in a charging tackle, sending both demigods flying into the center of the Kafe.

"BY THE ELDER GODS!" Taven roared, kicking his brother off him. "HOW I WISH I WERE AN ONLY CHILD!" he proceeded to perform his Speed of Light charge, the third flaming punch knocking Daegon's severed head through the glass window of the Kafe's entrance. Taven ran to the window. "SAY HI TO QUAN CHI FOR MEEEE!" he called.

The Kombatants all applauded the Son of Argus, who bowed. "Thank you, thank you."

"Taven!" Cage said, rushing over and giving him a slap on the shoulder. "Glad you could make it."

"Me too, Mr. Cage." Taven replied.

Drahmin, a self-proclaimed Netherrealm 'gangsta', walked over to Taven, his foul odor prompting Johnny to take a step back. "How's ya pimp hand playa!" the Oni screeched.

"Strong, baby, strong!" Taven bellowed, as the two performed an absurdly complicated handshake.

"Oookay," Johnny said as Drahmin left.

Taven and Johnny went through the line alone, as most of the good Kombatants were already seated and feasting. They sat at their cool-table. Stryker started to walk over toward them but quickly changed direction when Kitana and Jade both suddenly stood up staring at him.

Taven, Johnny and Jax all laughed. "Dang," Jax said, "You guys need to leave that man alone."

"Yes," Kung Lao agreed. "He may be dorky, but he has helped us out in the past."

"Yeah, well." Kitana said. "The bad certainly outweighs the good."

Taven shook his head and snatched his milk off his tray. He took a sip—and suddenly spat it all over his tray. "UGH!" Everyone at the table busted out laughing. Taven looked at his milk's expiration date: "Expires 12/12/89."

Johnny used this distraction to snatch Jade's Edenian pie off her tray. She gasped as Johnny held it dangerously close to his grinning maw. "Johnny!" she shrieked. "Give it! Don't make me kill you again!"

Johnny lowered the pie and gave her a mocking gaze. "Oh, you want this pie?"

"I want it."

"You want this pie?"

"I want it!"

"You want, you want—"

"I WANT THAT PIE!" Jade flung her Razor Rang at him. Johnny screamed and held the pie in front of his face, the Razor Rang lodging into it.

Johnny looked at the pie. "Oh well, it seems you killed it." With a mad shriek, the green-clad Edenian lunged across the table and tackled the movie star.

Everyone else ignored their ruckus and continued eating. Taven finished off his burger and reached for his pizza—only to feel cold plastic. Everyone started to giggle. "DON'T YOU DARE!" Taven shouted at them before sighing, "Raiden…"

Raiden turned around after he finished whipping off the pizza sauce. "Yes, Son of Argus?"

Taven massaged his temples. "How long will you continue to torment me so, Thunder God?"

"Until you stop being a vulgar dog." Kung Lao said. "Right Jade?" the said Edenian rose, holding Johnny's severed head by the hair.

"Yes, sweetie." She agreed flatly, taking her seat.

Taven grinned. In a puff of red smoke, he teleported to the evil cool-table. "Thank. You." He said as he snatched Ermac's chocolate cake out of his hands before teleporting back.

"Hmm. Chocolate cake." Taven grinned evilly at Raiden.

"Give it back," Ermac's dual voice called as he stood up powerfully.

"Or what?" Taven spat.

"Or," Ermac said. "we think we're going to kick your ass." The amalgam of souls cracked his knuckles.

"Chocolate cake is quite delicious, Thunder God." Taven said, turning back to Raiden.

"I know." Raiden nodded. "Its all I use to eat for breakfast—"

"Well then have another taste!" the Son of Argus lobbed the cake at Raiden, who merely smiled. He then formed a small electric portal in front of him, and the pie entered it. "What!" Taven went wide eyed. Another mini-portal spawned behind him, and the cake shot out and smacked the back of his head with such force, he forehead cracked against the floor.

Everyone in the Kafe busted out laughing, some such as Shao Kahn and Kitana, even falling out of their seats in tears. The one and only Lunch Time 'founder' and Thunder God stood up. "FOOD FIGHT!"

This time, the food chaos would turn out to be worse than the battle of Armageddon. Ten minutes in and every wall was thickly coated in things such as ice cream, chocolate sauce, and the guts of Netherrealm Rot Worms. Taven knew he had to get Raiden back. He tripped the Thunder God, causing him to face plant into Reptile's Ball of Rot Flies casserole.

Jade dumped a bowl of maggots from the Chaos Realm all in Tanya's hair. Sub-Zero pelted every single Kombatant in the face with a Sunday at least once. Noob threw Reptile into a plate of live, gargantuan Chaos Realm spiders that proceeded to swarm and chomp off the scaly flesh of the Saurian warior.

The chaos would last for another half hour.

"LORD RAIDEN!" the male Elder God boomed. "YOU DARE TO DEFY US YET AGAIN!"

Raiden, his hat missing and his clothing covered in chocolate, Rot Fly guts, and ice cream, did not reply. The filthy and showered Kombatants all watched the spectacle. "Yes." Raiden suddenly said. He held up the Lunch Time Whistle. "I DO! Over this past year, don't you remember what happened after we defeated Shinnok?"

The male Elder God's face slowly went white as his eyes winded. Raiden grinned evilly. "Yes. I am an Elder God now." At this revelation, all of the Kombatants started cheering and exchanging high-fives. "YOU CANNOT STOP ME!" Raiden thundered.

"Honey," the woman Elder God said to her shocked husband. "He's right. He is and Elder God. We can no longer tell him what to do."

"Yes!" Taven screamed. "Lunch Time will go on!"

Raiden laughed. "Leave me." He ordered his fellow Elder Gods. They did so, vanishing into thin air. "Now," Raiden turned to the large crowd of disarrayed Kombatants, some of which who were bouncing in anticipation. "RESUME KOMBAT!"


End file.
